Your eyes are not deceiving you.  What follows is a review of Bud Light Golden Wheat.  Why, you ask?  Did I fall and hit my head?  Did I recently give up self-mutilation and feel a need to wound myself?  No to all.  We’ve seen the commercials and wondered. I have written glowingly about Budweiser American Ale, and stand by those writings.  Could Anheuser-Busch/InBev or whatever the hell they call themselves now strike gold two times?  I was curious to find out…

Not so curious to try it before now.  If you are a price conscious beer shopper, then you may have noticed that a six pack of Bud Light Golden Wheat is priced at $7.49.  I’m not that curious, especially considering a six pack of Leiny’s Sunset Wheat is $6.99 and Bell’s Oberon is $7.99.  Anyone who would choose Golden Wheat over those two at that price is insane, stupid, or some horrifying combination of the two.  But this past weekend, it was on sale for $5.99.  Why not go for it?  I justified it by saying I could write a review; such is my love for you, dear Epic Portions readers that I was willing to not only purchase Bud Light Golden Wheat, but consume it as well, all for your knowledge and edification. 

But is it that bad?  How low were my expectations?  If on a scale of 1 to 10, 1 being the beer equivalent of fermented horse urine, and 10 being the most delicious wheat beer ever (Hoegaarden), I was hoping for a 5 or 6.  Something akin to Blue Moon Light.  Not totally unrealistic considering that the aforementioned Bud American Ale is a very solid amber ale.

Quite often the word FAIL is casually tossed around, but after trying Bud Light Golden Wheat I now believe the use of FAIL was intended specifically for this product.  It is wretched.  The bottle claims it is brewed with, “coriander and citrus peels.”  I defy anyone to tell me they can taste either in Golden Wheat.  I couldn’t taste coriander, I couldn’t taste citrus, but I could sure as hell taste Bud Light.  Even after drinking five of them, I still couldn’t taste either.  And at 4.1% alcohol, I was unable to drink myself into a state of no longer caring.  I stumbled upstairs to bed, knowing that I would awaken the next morning with a shame not felt by yours truly since I was single.  Waking up next to Golden Wheat made me feel like I needed to bathe in disinfectant.

Surely some kind of sexually transmitted disease was passed on when these two hooked up

On a side note, written on the bottle is the following:  “Unflitered wheat beer will settle.  Roll gently to mix.”  Not to go all beer snob on them, but do they mean DECANT?  I’m supposed to decant my bottle of Bud Light Golden Wheat?!?!  And like an idiot I did!  I spent an hour apologizing to my frosty mug for subjecting it to Golden Wheat.  Trust me, you haven’t really suffered from humiliation until a frosty mug has called you a “sorry-ass piece of shit.”  Time to take up self-mutilation, I suppose.

Great pain and suffering can produce great art, and while I am no artist I did compose a haiku to cleanse myself of the befouling beast of Golden Wheat:

bud light golden wheat

a golden shower of shame

summer beer failure

I’m not usually one to complain about customer service.  I’ve worked with the general public in retail positions since I was 15 and I understand people have bad days and its not the easiest thing in the world to deal with the general idiocracy that is the majority of the population these days.  When I visit an establishment such as a restaurant, or a retail store, 90% of the time I can forgive mistakes and slip ups just because I’ve been in that position and I understand that not everyone is perfect.  I’m definitely not perfect and I’ve made mistakes on the job.  I’ve had bad days and my service has definitely suffered from it.

What I can’t take are establishments that consistently serve the public horribly and make customers expect terrible customer service from people like me who generally give a shit on a day to day basis.  I’m not sure what it is but I’ve always cared about how people view me and how I am serving them.  No matter the level of lunacy that people serve to me, I always try to serve them with as much respect and level headedness as possible.  I’m not sure if that’s in my character or if it’s just common sense that is lost on certain people, but it seems that at certain places this concept is completely lost.

I would like to introduce you to the Taco Bell located on State St. in Ann Arbor, MI.  This Taco Bell location is currently offering some of the worst customer service in the history of customer service.  I may only be passionate enough to write about this because I’ve been drinking heavily and they just failed me for the 3948739473947th time, but goddamnit I’m angry and it’s time to bust some heads Epic Portions style.

There have been many occasions that this Taco Bell has embarrassed the fast food industry.  You may be thinking about what a ridiculous statement that is, but seriously.  This place is like the class where they send kids who can’t quite cut it in the slow class.  It’s the trailer behind the school where they keep the kids who aren’t allowed to participate in standardized testing in fear that their scores alone may lead to the complete cuting of state funding for the entire school.  Their interview process must involve a game of Pictionary followed by a game of rock paper scissors, with the loser gaining full time employment and full health benefits.

If you have 30-40 minutes to kill, pull right in and place an order.  Guarantee you’ll be waiting for 50.  If you’re sick of waiting, too bad.  There are curbs on either side of you.  You’re not going anywhere.  Just in case that wait didn’t infuriate you enough, your order will be wrong and you’ll have to pull back around and wait again.  It would be convenient to simply enter the dining room, but it’s currently being renovated.  Time to either eat that fiesta salsa you didn’t want slathered all over your Grilled Stufft Burrito or scrape off the tomatoes and deal with that disgusting tomato residue.  But wait, we’re getting ahead of ourselves.  I have personally been witness to this Taco Bell being out of tortillas, beef, chicken, rice and beans.  Keep in mind that all of these ingredients have been absent on separate occasions.  What are you supposed to order at Taco Bell when they are out of hard and soft tortillas?  Pintos and Cheese?  That’s an appetizer.

Who hires these people?   Who orders the supplies?   It’s not just me who has dreamt up a hatred for this specific location, it’s general knowledge that this is the worst Taco Bell on the planet.  It’s almost comedic how bad it is.

I welcome the residents of Ann Arbor and Ypsilanti to share your State St. Taco Bell stories as comments to this post.   I have heard many, and I welcome a complete bitch session about the customer service that makes this place the king of terrible fast food establishments.