Well, here it is, Martin Luther King Day Eve.\u00a0 My children are nestled cozily into their beds,\u00a0 and I am spending the evening in quiet contemplation of the contribution of a great man \u2014 Dr. King.\u00a0 Also, I\u2019m drinking beer, playing the guitar, and watching the episode of Downton Abbey <\/i>I recorded earlier this evening.\u00a0 Or so I thought.<\/p>\n

As I reached into the fridge to grab another Short\u2019s Huma Lupa Licious IPA<\/a>, a beer as awesome as its name is ridiculous, I happened to glance at a bottle of A-1 Steak Sauce that has been in my refrigerator since the Pre-Cambrian era.\u00a0 On said bottle is the laziest recipe I have ever seen in my life for a Slow-Cooker Pot Roast.\u00a0<\/p>\n

I found the recipe so lazy, so repulsive, so against all that is culinarily good and true, that I had to put Downton Abbey <\/i>on hold for thirty minutes to rant about this garbage.\u00a0 The officious Brit bastards can wait\u2026<\/p>\n

Before I begin let me say that I am not opposed to using the slow cooker to make life easy, or taking shortcuts on occasion.\u00a0 Sometimes, it is a complete pain in the ass to have to cook a dinner for your family every night, and I say that as someone who loves to cook.\u00a0 But, like in most other parts of life, there are limits to what one will accept as a shortcut.\u00a0 Let\u2019s look at the recipe:<\/p>\n

A-1\u2019s Lazy-Ass Slow Cooker Pot Roast<\/b><\/p>\n

Difficulty:\u00a0 A quadriplegic chimp could do it.<\/p>\n

Time:\u00a0 Wasted.<\/p>\n

\u00bd cup A-1 Steak Sauce (of course, what\u2019s the point of the recipe if you aren\u2019t trying to sell bottles of your product).<\/p>\n

\u00bd cup water (straight from the tap, especially if you are from West Virginia).<\/p>\n

1 package onion-mushroom soup mix (ask your cardiologist which packet of onion-mushroom soup mix is right for you).<\/p>\n

— That is the one that annoys me the most.\u00a0 Why not, I don\u2019t know, buy some actual mushrooms?\u00a0 And garlic.\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0A cow died so it could be your dinner, show it some fucking respect, A-1.<\/p>\n

Continuing\u2026<\/p>\n

2 \u00bd lbs. boneless chuck eye roast (proceed to apologize to the Cow-Gods for the crime against Bovinity that you are about to commit).<\/p>\n

1 lb. baby red potatoes (preferably, the pre-packaged kind).<\/p>\n

1 package of baby carrots (they outright say it this time).<\/p>\n

1 onion, diced (I think that means to chop it up a bunch).<\/p>\n

Put all the above ingredients in a slow cooker on low for 8-9 hours.\u00a0 Seriously.\u00a0 Cook the shit out of it.\u00a0 Insult its mother at least twice during the cooking process.<\/p>\n

That\u2019s the recipe.\u00a0 I shit you not.\u00a0\u00a0 And I\u2019m not trying to be a food snob, we can make A-1\u2019s recipe work.\u00a0\u00a0 How about red wine and or beef broth for the liquid instead of water?\u00a0 Throw in a bay leaf or two and you might be on to something.<\/p>\n

That is all.\u00a0 Farewell again, food blogging.\u00a0 I\u2019m sorry but I just can\u2019t muster the enthusiasm to write about Quinoa\/Sweet Potato bullshit on a regular basis.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Well, here it is, Martin Luther King Day Eve.\u00a0 My children are nestled cozily into their beds,\u00a0 and I am spending the evening in quiet contemplation of the contribution of a great man \u2014 Dr. King.\u00a0 Also, I\u2019m drinking beer, playing the guitar, and watching the episode of Downton Abbey I recorded earlier this evening.\u00a0 […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_exactmetrics_skip_tracking":false,"_exactmetrics_sitenote_active":false,"_exactmetrics_sitenote_note":"","_exactmetrics_sitenote_category":0,"footnotes":""},"categories":[7,135],"tags":[757,758,759,760],"class_list":{"0":"post-6167","1":"post","2":"type-post","3":"status-publish","4":"format-standard","6":"category-other-recipes","7":"category-rants","8":"tag-a-1-steak-sauce","9":"tag-downton-abbey","10":"tag-quinoa","11":"tag-shorts-huma-lupa-liscious"},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.epicportions.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/6167","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.epicportions.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.epicportions.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.epicportions.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.epicportions.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=6167"}],"version-history":[{"count":6,"href":"https:\/\/www.epicportions.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/6167\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":6173,"href":"https:\/\/www.epicportions.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/6167\/revisions\/6173"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.epicportions.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=6167"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.epicportions.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=6167"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.epicportions.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=6167"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}